The Hooves

Something to scare you witless ...

Come here, move closer, I can’t speak louder than a whisper, because the story I’m about to tell is of the spirits, and as you know those beings lurk everywhere. They are in the very air you breathe. If you don’t believe me please explain to me in detail how the internet works without descending into gibberish.

So my dear young lady, pull your chair closer and let me tell you of my adventure with one of them. This tale is true, I swear, every word I say is the Gospel, I have neither added nor taken anything away from it.

I will continue my dear, what you people lack nowadays is patience and the strength to whisper, whisper m’dear, don’t shout.

I had just bought my first Peugot 404, with my first salary, this was way back in the seventies. I decided to wash it for my friends and all of us planned to hook up at a peppersoup joint along Oke-Ado.

What I’d forgotten was the fact that I had another party in Abeokuta on that same day, my grandfather had been dead for some years, but some of his children decided to turn him on his other side, because the side on which he had been sleeping on must be aching, and they did it the old honourable way of throwing a chop and quench party. 

I had to be there or my mother would have had my head.

So there I was in Abeokuta, conscious of the fact that my friends were waiting for me in Ibadan. As you well know, there were no mobile phones in those days, so I really had to turn up or I would be forever known as the man who reneged on a promise.

At 12pm on the dot, I jumped into my car and commenced the drive to Ibadan, of course I did not tell my mother or she would not have allowed me to leave.

To cut a long story short, I was nearly in Ibadan, at Omi Adio to be precise, my headlights picked out the figure of a young lady standing by the road side. I was shocked, what was she doing out flagging down cars that time of the day? In those days armed robbers were the last things on your mind, the country was enjoying a boom then, and all those caught stealing were instantly executed.

You got that right my girl, mob justice, tyres, petrol and matches ... and boom!

There goes the thief.

Barbaric? Aren’t we all animals?

Now back to my story.

I drove past her, but something inside, some insistent voice made me return to her. I reversed and smiled at her, I asked her what she was doing at that time of the night in that part of town, I asked her where she was going and finally I asked her if she wouldn’t mind a ride.

She smiled at me then

I thought you’d never ask.

Till date I don’t know whether she said those words to me or sent it by telepathy.

Anyway as she stepped into my car, I tried to speed off, but she was too strong for me. She sat down and asked me why I was such a scaredy cat. I pointed at her legs. She smiled at me and said that was exactly why she was going to borrow mine, she showed me her face, her arms, flashed me a pair of pert breasts, a flat stomach.
She needs to snag herself a man she said, a real man not a manling like me. She’d have me for breakfast, she said casually, and that would not fill her up, she needed one that she can also have for lunch and dinner.

See every part of me? I had to borrow from some people. As you can see there’s only one part of me left, my legs, I like yours. I’ll just borrow them and hopefully return them to you soon. From the way you’ve been pressing down on that accelerator I can see they are in perfect working order. She said and leaned close to me, she stank like a he-goat.

That was the last thing I remembered. Till date I don’t know how I got to the hospital. The people that found me met my car intact, I was slumped over the steering wheel.

Did she borrow your legs?

Oh she did, she did all right.

How come you can still walk then uncle?

Why she replaced mine with hers.

Stop laughing, I can show you her legs, they are right here.

I pulled up my trousers and showed her my goat legs complete with hooves.