Ten easy steps to becoming a politician in Ibadan
I know a lot of us out there are planning to become politicians in 2011, in order to make your life easier the following steps should be should be followed carefully, especially if you are from Ibadan (sections are applicable to other PinDiPin states)
The Ten Steps
1
Drop out of school: Any level - primary, secondary or tertiary institution will do! Polish up your English language, by using c instead of ch or sh. For example say cusing siar (cushion chair), sikin (Chicken), sop (shop), mison (mission) or vice-versa (fici-faca) , adfansh (advance), shoja (soldier) etc. please consult writer for more lessons.
2
Laze around for a couple of years: due to the fact that you have to experience poverty first hand, you need not get a job, live off your parents, friends and relatives. Make sure you have a lot of friends in the same situation, hang around yahoo yahoo boys but DON'T join them.
3
Get Smart: at this point tell the members of your family that you want to open a shop selling second hand goods at Gate or Ogunpa (electronics, cars, spare parts, whatever!). They'll give you money quickly because they are tired of seeing you loafing about, so they'll beg , steal or borrow to get you off your arse.
Impregnate the apprentice of an hairdresser.
4
Attend a lot of Fuji parties: this is an important prerequisite, you do have to attend parties thrown by fuji musicians, Sina Akanni, Atawewe, Igi Rogodo, Taye Paso, Rasidi Resese etc ensure you 'spray' these people with a lot of money so that they will sing your praises, ensure the tapes (insist on tapes, no CD's please) are distributed to bus drivers plying Beere, Idi-Arere, Isale-Osi, Agbeni, Sapati etc routes.
Impregnate an Alhaja that has made a lot of money, don't worry she has 5 kids for 5 other men and she's not expecting you to take responsibility for this one.
5
Get involved in a couple of fights: Ensure you have weapons like machetes, daggers and Ake UTC (axe), get a couple of marks on your body (one across the cheek will come in handy when trying to prove you're a real man or woman), this will ensure that nobody will mess with you.
6
Get Fat: You must try to be as fat as possible, developing a beer gut is the easiest way to do this, and make sure that your head becomes fat too!
Marry a younger and richer version of Alhaja, insist that she must be properly bleached (if she isn't already) throw a big party for your dead great-grandfather.
7
Join a political party: by the time you reach step 4, the appropriate political party(ies) would have started sending out feelers, take it easy and show a lot of reluctance, this will help you get a better post in the party, it will also help when there is more than one party involved. Join the one with the most thugs and most disregard for propriety.
Start dating Ibadan Polytechnic girls.
8
Get Spiritualists: you must choose your spiritualists with care, the best thing is to get two from each religion, ensure you get a ruthless one and an Holy one, the holy one in each religion will balance out the ruthlessness of his partner, with the result that you'll be able to deal with all known and perceived enemies without any repercussions…and yes, you'll get to go to heaven.
9
Visit Molete: this is an important pre-requisite or you won't make it. You have to eat amala off the same plate with the strong man of…oh wait…he's dead, mmmm, okay hold up…we'll keep you updated on this. Meanwhile, you can pay a visit to the graveside which is going to be turned into a tourist attraction very soon.
10
Vie for a political office: you should start off as a local government council chairman, by the time you leave you would have 'made' enough money to go to the next step (a governor or senator), marry your polytechnic girlfriend (she'll be first lady since she can speak henglis), recruit your old layabout friends as bodyguards (just tip them like 500 daily and they'll die for you)…and then live happily ever after.
The Ten Steps
1
Drop out of school: Any level - primary, secondary or tertiary institution will do! Polish up your English language, by using c instead of ch or sh. For example say cusing siar (cushion chair), sikin (Chicken), sop (shop), mison (mission) or vice-versa (fici-faca) , adfansh (advance), shoja (soldier) etc. please consult writer for more lessons.
2
Laze around for a couple of years: due to the fact that you have to experience poverty first hand, you need not get a job, live off your parents, friends and relatives. Make sure you have a lot of friends in the same situation, hang around yahoo yahoo boys but DON'T join them.
3
Get Smart: at this point tell the members of your family that you want to open a shop selling second hand goods at Gate or Ogunpa (electronics, cars, spare parts, whatever!). They'll give you money quickly because they are tired of seeing you loafing about, so they'll beg , steal or borrow to get you off your arse.
Impregnate the apprentice of an hairdresser.
4
Attend a lot of Fuji parties: this is an important prerequisite, you do have to attend parties thrown by fuji musicians, Sina Akanni, Atawewe, Igi Rogodo, Taye Paso, Rasidi Resese etc ensure you 'spray' these people with a lot of money so that they will sing your praises, ensure the tapes (insist on tapes, no CD's please) are distributed to bus drivers plying Beere, Idi-Arere, Isale-Osi, Agbeni, Sapati etc routes.
Impregnate an Alhaja that has made a lot of money, don't worry she has 5 kids for 5 other men and she's not expecting you to take responsibility for this one.
5
Get involved in a couple of fights: Ensure you have weapons like machetes, daggers and Ake UTC (axe), get a couple of marks on your body (one across the cheek will come in handy when trying to prove you're a real man or woman), this will ensure that nobody will mess with you.
6
Get Fat: You must try to be as fat as possible, developing a beer gut is the easiest way to do this, and make sure that your head becomes fat too!
Marry a younger and richer version of Alhaja, insist that she must be properly bleached (if she isn't already) throw a big party for your dead great-grandfather.
7
Join a political party: by the time you reach step 4, the appropriate political party(ies) would have started sending out feelers, take it easy and show a lot of reluctance, this will help you get a better post in the party, it will also help when there is more than one party involved. Join the one with the most thugs and most disregard for propriety.
Start dating Ibadan Polytechnic girls.
8
Get Spiritualists: you must choose your spiritualists with care, the best thing is to get two from each religion, ensure you get a ruthless one and an Holy one, the holy one in each religion will balance out the ruthlessness of his partner, with the result that you'll be able to deal with all known and perceived enemies without any repercussions…and yes, you'll get to go to heaven.
9
Visit Molete: this is an important pre-requisite or you won't make it. You have to eat amala off the same plate with the strong man of…oh wait…he's dead, mmmm, okay hold up…we'll keep you updated on this. Meanwhile, you can pay a visit to the graveside which is going to be turned into a tourist attraction very soon.
10
Vie for a political office: you should start off as a local government council chairman, by the time you leave you would have 'made' enough money to go to the next step (a governor or senator), marry your polytechnic girlfriend (she'll be first lady since she can speak henglis), recruit your old layabout friends as bodyguards (just tip them like 500 daily and they'll die for you)…and then live happily ever after.
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