Handbook for Successful “Runs” Girls by Yewande Omotoso and Ayodele Olofintuade

We all know how hard women have it, right? Anyone who thinks that’s still up for debate should be…can’t really engage in inflammatory material on this blog but use your imagination as to what I think should be done to such a person – not nice stuff. Anyway, so things are hard. Women are second class citizens, either overtly in states where…or covertly.



One of the ways women are subjugated is we seldom (arguably never) get any thanks for all our hard (behind and in-front the scene) work. For instance how hard do you think it is to look this good, remain this smooth for that long, always have a smile for the runt on the side of the road who thinks all you need to make your day perfect is to hear that sucking-of-lips sound – “OMG he wants me! OMG, he see me!” Oh and those trainee mechanic in that just perfectly oiled and dirt-stained overall that makes him ALL MAN and make my thighs shiver. Their catcalls return purpose to my otherwise aimless life as a woman.

Okay so we’re agreed right? It’s tough. We gotta look good for the guys on the side of the road as we zoom past on the back of the okada BUT, ladies, we also got to get paid. Here’s a guide for that:

1) Let’s get one thing clear – who you are on the inside doesn’t matter. No man worth his sweat is going to reward you for anything he can’t see or touch.

2) This guide has everything to do with how you look. But work with what you got. If you happen to be slender, then despite the ten kids you pushed out in between licking the dirt lodged in the nook of your husband’s toes (see ‘Handbook On How To Please Your Lover’ coming to a blog near you) you are not permitted to gain even an inch of fat, especially not along the area of your gut, and your teats need to stay taut (by any means necessary) – nothing is more gross for a man than being reminded that your breasts were not always simply at his disposal.

3) If you are blessed with some flesh on your body – lucky, lucky you! Don’t our African men go for that? Yes that homogenous glob of man, the African man, he wants something he can hold onto, like the reigns of a horse (any analogy along these lines should give you an idea of what I mean). For you, fat one, eat! Eat as much as you can and leave exercise for people who are interested in lame things like being healthy, having a good self-image and being able to walk for long unbroken distances. That’s inside-stuff and a man isn’t going to pay for such.

4) The use of make-up is not debateable, as in you must wear that thing o. And I’m not talking cheap, cheap stuff. Do not make the unrecoverable error of buying products with names like ‘My Love’ nail varnish, ‘Come To Me Baby’ face powder and ‘Hot Stuff’ lipstick. Such products only end up making you look like you have no idea what you’re doing, like you’re in the kindergarten club of beauty, you’re ignorant and tacky – not worth paying for.

5) We’re not excluding our Muslim sisters. Hijabs can be the sexiest, most alluring part of your attire but your secret is the colour. Black is out. Pink is the new black. And don’t stop there, buy a matching pink bag, if it has hanging ribbons and beads, all the better. And there’s no need to feel left out when the rest of us are getting our acrylic nails put in, laali is good but you must pay proper money for it and get it done by the real Fulani women not the wanna-be-Fulani girls.

6) Now, let’s address the hot topic of hair. If you’re a black woman, in all likelihood you were born with some scruff of hair commonly referred to as kinky. Even the word kinky is too cute a term to describe the horror of “natural hair”. The best thing to do is to cover that shit up and hope people forget what it really looks like. Real Brazilian hair weave all the way, and when you walk past those misguided women with dreadlocks you’re permitted to lift your nose slightly and feel a well-deserved surge of superiority.

7) Never go on foot anywhere. Make sure you are regularly seen at the airport. Learn to air kiss. Make sure you know how to count (maths is totally useless for women except in this instance). When air kissing you usually have three options (note that the air kiss is directed towards the cheek). British – 1 air kiss. French – 1 kiss to each cheek – that’s two. Italian – 1 kiss to each cheek and then 1 more kiss for the first cheek , that’s three. If you’re blessed with a high voice all the better but if you have an unfortunate deep and unladylike tone to your voice practice shrieking at home then make use of your hard work when you go out in public. Extra points for jumping up and down as your shriek and hopefully remember to flap your hands around like you’re imitating a bothered moth.

8) Okay, you should have worked out by now that being a successful runs girl takes some money. This is why we’re giving you this hand book. First things first when it comes to getting paid – do not fall in love. Your aim is to be a permanent side-chick or mistress, never accept the role of girlfriend or wife (best way to avoid those ten kids and the extra fat around your gut that you won’t know what to do with).

9) Men have a very short attention span, you have about a month to get the point across (the point that you’re worth paying for, that his very proximity to you is an upgrade to his status and so on). During that first month of side-chicking never ask to go for lunch at Mr. Biggs or Tantilizers when there are restaurants where you can buy a bottle of water or a can of coke for N5,000! You must always prove you’re not cheap! If it’s a long distance relationship have him fly you in first class. If he ever asked you what you want don’t say bag or shoe. Ask for a car or even better, a piece of land. This has him realise that you’re an expensive lay and somehow, for a man (we’re still working on the handbook for how ((whether)) men think), that translates into him being wealthy. If you are ever unfortunate enough to receive golden jewellery from him throw one of your practiced tantrums and shove it back – no diamonds, no party.

10) As a side-chick you have to be on the look-out for any signs of demotion to girlfriend or potential wife. Once you start receiving N50, 000 instead of the regular N1.5m or N2m or if the guy suggests you take his clothes to the laundry disappear, it’s a dead end gig that awaits you of changing nappies and giving head for free.

11) It is probably worth stating the obvious, retirement for runs girls is pretty early, mid to late forties if you’ve been good at applying Estee Lauder face creams (or any other product that you find hard to pronounce – those are usually the best) but most likely by your early forties you’d be considered too old. If you live long (God’s grace) that still leaves you a good thirty to forty years of alone time and no skills to make money or any internal qualities that will help you win friends or be employable. Abeg, make sure you saved the many payments you would no doubt have received in your years of successful side-chicking, invest it somewhere, stuff it under your pillow, keep some in your bra whatever ... just don’t spend any of it. Haven’t you been listening? Anything need paying for? Get him to do it!

12) Final words – Avoid other women, they can’t be trusted. Watch out. And good luck.