#WhyIStayed – A case for Domestic Violence
One out of three women, worldwide, have experienced violence, and most often from family members ie parents, spouses etc.
Domestic violence was defined by Helpguide.com as “... when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person... [using means which] includes physical violence...”
Earlier this month somebody posted on YouTube the recording of a Baltimore Ravens running back, Ray Rice, punching his fiancée, Janay Palmer (now his wife), so hard she became unconscious.
This video sparked outrage all across America, and Ray Rice’s contract with Baltimore Ravens was immediately terminated while the National Football League (ie American football not Soccer) placed him on indefinite suspension. The day following the incidence women across the world, who are (or have been) victims of domestic violence, took to twitter to explain to the world why it took them so long to leave their abusive spouses or why they were still with their abusers.
The debate took an interesting turn when Nigerians on twitter weighed in on the issue, using the hashtag #WhyIStayed #WhyILeft. There were voices claiming that most abused women deserved it and others (mostly women) saying that domestic violence is evil.
This is in face of the fact that a large percentage of Nigerian women aged 15-25 believes that wife beating is justified (91% in the South-West and 93.5% in the South-South *.) and in the penal code there’s a law which says “Women may be beaten as long as bodily harm is not caused.
Signs that you might be in an abusive relationship
The victims of domestic violence are not just spouses, the children of such marriages often experience emotional trauma which lasts into adulthood.
In an interview conducted with Ugo Chime(not-real-name), a public health and policy consultant, who, after the furore on twitter blogged about her experience as a child raised in a home where domestic violence occurred*, Ugo claimed she’d always been conscious of the fact that her parents quarreled a lot, but never saw her father hit her mother until she got to primary three. She also mentioned that her mother claims that was not the first time her father would hit her. Ugo says of her father, “…except for that one episode when it got physical, it was mostly the shouting matches that we endured, and those times it was very scary, we [she, her siblings and her mother] hid away… for the months he was around we watched ourselves, don’t laugh too much, he’d think we are having too much without him, don’t frown, so it doesn’t look like we couldn’t wait for him to go back [to Europe where he was working].”
When asked if her childhood experiences had affected her relationship with her father, she said “… there are so many phases to my relationship with my dad, loads of periods of not speaking and then reconciliations, it isn’t so much what he did in the past that causes the rifts, but what he keeps doing…very hurtful things and sometimes you feel you’ve reached your limit.”
Although Ugo’s parents are now divorced, they were married for thirty years (with a two year break), Ugo’s mother stayed because of her children.
Tokunbo Koiki, a psychologist who is currently a social worker and advocate for women and children’s rights in the UK, did not wait for thirty years before leaving her partner, a Nigerian man born and raised in England.
According to her “The first assault happened, I think after about 4months [of our relationship]. I remember we had gone out then went back to his place, as I often stayed over, he wanted me to cook stew and I didn't want to (can’t remember exactly why as I usually did) Next thing I recall is lying on the floor, in his room, with him using my own hand as a fist to punch me repeatedly. Tried to fight back and my screams were loud enough that a neighbour called the cops and he was arrested and charged ...but within a few weeks I had forgiven him and went for counselling as I was just finishing my psychology degree and about to go off on a gap year to help battered women in South Africa. The irony of life hey!”
“My memory of the whole relationship is hazy but I remember another time we were arguing in the car and he made me so mad I deliberately crashed into a pole (was very hot headed back then).”
When asked what made her decide to leave him she had this to say “... after another fight he was apologising and in the same breath telling me how his ex used to make him so mad he would beat her. I mean here I was, a recent graduate and he didn't even finish school. I knew I had prospects so it was easy to walk away. I cut him off completely and he never contacted me again. I remember next time I saw him was when I had to testify [against him] in court, but he got off.”
Ugo’s mother left after thirty years and Tokunbo’s relationship lasted for seven months, but there are women (and men) still living with their abusers for economic reasons, or are being threatened with more violence, some even believe they love their abusers and are afraid of being isolated or seen as a pariah in the society.
Abuse Circle
Says Tokunbo Koiki “Women need first of all to understand that they are not alone and that they decide to stay does not make them less of a victim nor does it make it okay for family and friends to abandon them.”
Presently, out of the 36 states in Nigeria, only Lagos State has promulgated a law on domestic violence.
Data from a study, published in a British Council report titled “Gender in Nigeria Report 2012: Improving the Lives of Girls and Women in Nigeria, Issues, Policies, Action” shows that in the South-West of Nigeria ,47.5% of 15-24y/o (unmarried) and 43.7%(married or separated) , while in the South-South 33.4% and 28.8% respectively. Which means 92% of women, living in the South-West, and 62% of women living in the South-South of Nigeria experienced violence in 2012.
Violence in the South-West and South-South of Nigeria, 2012
There are many NGO’s working to protect women from domestic violence, and one of the foremost ones is Women Advocates Research and Documentation Center(WARDC).You may contact them at 08180056401 (free and confidentiality is guaranteed) if you have any questions.
*2008 National Demographic Health Survey, NDHS
*http://knottypants.blogspot.com/2014/09/whyistayed-my-mom-stayed-and-for-this.html
Domestic violence was defined by Helpguide.com as “... when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person... [using means which] includes physical violence...”
Earlier this month somebody posted on YouTube the recording of a Baltimore Ravens running back, Ray Rice, punching his fiancée, Janay Palmer (now his wife), so hard she became unconscious.
This video sparked outrage all across America, and Ray Rice’s contract with Baltimore Ravens was immediately terminated while the National Football League (ie American football not Soccer) placed him on indefinite suspension. The day following the incidence women across the world, who are (or have been) victims of domestic violence, took to twitter to explain to the world why it took them so long to leave their abusive spouses or why they were still with their abusers.
The debate took an interesting turn when Nigerians on twitter weighed in on the issue, using the hashtag #WhyIStayed #WhyILeft. There were voices claiming that most abused women deserved it and others (mostly women) saying that domestic violence is evil.
This is in face of the fact that a large percentage of Nigerian women aged 15-25 believes that wife beating is justified (91% in the South-West and 93.5% in the South-South *.) and in the penal code there’s a law which says “Women may be beaten as long as bodily harm is not caused.
Signs that you might be in an abusive relationship
In an interview conducted with Ugo Chime(not-real-name), a public health and policy consultant, who, after the furore on twitter blogged about her experience as a child raised in a home where domestic violence occurred*, Ugo claimed she’d always been conscious of the fact that her parents quarreled a lot, but never saw her father hit her mother until she got to primary three. She also mentioned that her mother claims that was not the first time her father would hit her. Ugo says of her father, “…except for that one episode when it got physical, it was mostly the shouting matches that we endured, and those times it was very scary, we [she, her siblings and her mother] hid away… for the months he was around we watched ourselves, don’t laugh too much, he’d think we are having too much without him, don’t frown, so it doesn’t look like we couldn’t wait for him to go back [to Europe where he was working].”
When asked if her childhood experiences had affected her relationship with her father, she said “… there are so many phases to my relationship with my dad, loads of periods of not speaking and then reconciliations, it isn’t so much what he did in the past that causes the rifts, but what he keeps doing…very hurtful things and sometimes you feel you’ve reached your limit.”
Although Ugo’s parents are now divorced, they were married for thirty years (with a two year break), Ugo’s mother stayed because of her children.
Tokunbo Koiki, a psychologist who is currently a social worker and advocate for women and children’s rights in the UK, did not wait for thirty years before leaving her partner, a Nigerian man born and raised in England.
According to her “The first assault happened, I think after about 4months [of our relationship]. I remember we had gone out then went back to his place, as I often stayed over, he wanted me to cook stew and I didn't want to (can’t remember exactly why as I usually did) Next thing I recall is lying on the floor, in his room, with him using my own hand as a fist to punch me repeatedly. Tried to fight back and my screams were loud enough that a neighbour called the cops and he was arrested and charged ...but within a few weeks I had forgiven him and went for counselling as I was just finishing my psychology degree and about to go off on a gap year to help battered women in South Africa. The irony of life hey!”
“My memory of the whole relationship is hazy but I remember another time we were arguing in the car and he made me so mad I deliberately crashed into a pole (was very hot headed back then).”
When asked what made her decide to leave him she had this to say “... after another fight he was apologising and in the same breath telling me how his ex used to make him so mad he would beat her. I mean here I was, a recent graduate and he didn't even finish school. I knew I had prospects so it was easy to walk away. I cut him off completely and he never contacted me again. I remember next time I saw him was when I had to testify [against him] in court, but he got off.”
Ugo’s mother left after thirty years and Tokunbo’s relationship lasted for seven months, but there are women (and men) still living with their abusers for economic reasons, or are being threatened with more violence, some even believe they love their abusers and are afraid of being isolated or seen as a pariah in the society.
Abuse Circle
Presently, out of the 36 states in Nigeria, only Lagos State has promulgated a law on domestic violence.
Data from a study, published in a British Council report titled “Gender in Nigeria Report 2012: Improving the Lives of Girls and Women in Nigeria, Issues, Policies, Action” shows that in the South-West of Nigeria ,47.5% of 15-24y/o (unmarried) and 43.7%(married or separated) , while in the South-South 33.4% and 28.8% respectively. Which means 92% of women, living in the South-West, and 62% of women living in the South-South of Nigeria experienced violence in 2012.
Violence in the South-West and South-South of Nigeria, 2012
There are many NGO’s working to protect women from domestic violence, and one of the foremost ones is Women Advocates Research and Documentation Center(WARDC).You may contact them at 08180056401 (free and confidentiality is guaranteed) if you have any questions.
*2008 National Demographic Health Survey, NDHS
*http://knottypants.blogspot.com/2014/09/whyistayed-my-mom-stayed-and-for-this.html
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